This post is a follow-up to yesterday's post on the Dr. Phil Show (entitled The Island of Constant Talkers.) You will want to read it first (here) if you want to understand what I am writing about.
Read it? Ok, here's the continuation. So Dr. Phil sent Jeni out to watch a bank of three television screens each featuring her talking (specifically, a film of her interviewing for the show.) They sat her at conversational distance away from each of the screens so that she could feel what it was like to be in a conversation with her. She immediately said she got it, but Dr. Phil said "I don't think you do" and then left her to continue watching while he talked with the woman who feared birds, the man who feared vegetables and the teenager who was obsessively in love with Joel Madden (of the band Good Charlotte, and also Nicole Ritchie's boyfriend.) Then he brought Jeni back out and asked her how listening to herself had felt. She said it was, in fact, exhausting to listen to her talking, just as her friends (and, I'm sure, others) had always said. Dr. Phil said what he had done was a combination of immersion therapy and social sensitization. He then called one of Jeni's friends and asked her to be ready to answer some follow-up questions when he called to see whether Jeni was improving.
I don't know what immersion therapy or social sensitization are; do you? Let's go to the web.
OK, so immersion therapy turns out to be this (gradually increasing levels of exposure to a feared object; a way of overcoming phobias.) What he did with Jeni seems to be more the opposite; levels of exposure to something she WAS comfortable with with the goal of making her uncomfortable with it (and to have insights about it.)
As for social sensitization, a web search didn't turn up anything that seemed relevant.
I hope Jeni will be able to benefit from her experience. Once I read that if you feel that when you start talking to a group of people the party really gets started, consider for a moment that they may have been perfectly happily talking about something else before you came up to them, and that even though they are laughing with you, they might actually see you as imposing on them and interrupting them. I thought this was a good point -- because I have felt that way, and I hadn't previously considered it from that point of view.
Meanwhile, the other stories were pretty interesting, too. One thing I liked about this particular episode is that these people seemed a bit more functional that the average Dr. Phil guest, and they all wanted to change (in fact, these were their New Years' resolutions.) There was a guy who seemed otherwise really sane but he hates vegetables. As it turns out, his parents are farmers or work at the farmer's market or something, and in his youth he had had to stand near a container of rotting vegetables and take the bad vegetables out there to be disposed of, and when he sees his wife eat a salad, in his mind he sees her eating garbage. Anyway, he managed to eat half a circle of zucchini. This inspired me to want to overcome my phobia of mayonnaise; luckily, however, change is less imperative in my case because mayonnaise is a less significant food group than vegetables. This (and the bird fear lady) reminds me of my sister-in-law who told me she couldn't touch a worm but she could look at a worm... maybe. (She said this in such a focused, thoughtful way that I count it as the funniest thing she's ever said. She eventually touched a worm, too.)
I used to be terribly repulsed by slugs. Well, one time I poured myself some bath water, got into the tub, saw what was on the side of the tub, and screamed! The apartment people had removed some mildewed-looking caulk, and hadn't put new caulk on, and a baby slug had crawled through the gap into the tub! Well, this wasn't the end of the story, because every morning I'd get up to take a shower and look into the tub to see whether a slug had come in. My boyfriend was a really nice person, and I'd wake him up to get the slug out of the tub and go put it out on the grass for me. Eventually it dawned on me that I was at least 1000 times bigger than a baby slug (not to mention faster, smarter, and better-looking) and I was perfectly able to scoop a slug up on a piece of toilet paper myself. Later on, I was even able to touch one, and now I am not scared of them anymore.
I'm going to mention Britney Spears as an experiment to see if I get a lot of search hits, because Dr. Phil and Britney Spears are in the news right now (he visited her when she was hospitalized overnight after refusing to give the boys back to Kevin.)
If you found this discussion of overtalking relevant, you may also be interested in Cindi's list of New Year's resolutions for 7s here.
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The Island of Constant Talkers
Yesterday's Dr. Phil was about New Year's resolutions. Link here.
The first guest was Jeni, whose problem is that she talks constantly. Her mom said Jeni's been doing it since she learned to talk, and that if Jeni had been her first child, she'd only have had one. (!) Jeni says she's lost a job and several promotions over her talkativeness, that she rarely goes on any second dates, and that she is often late for appointments because she stops to talk with strangers in the street. Dr. Phil timed how long it took her to answer questions during the interview and compared it to the average length of time taken; I don't remember the specifics but there was quite a difference.
Dr. Phil had set up a buzzer for the interview and would hit the buzzer ("aaanh") when he felt Jeni had gone on long enough/answered the question/made her point. (He was a little quick on the buzzer in my opinion, actually.) Have you ever wished you could do that to someone? He asked her whether she had any idea why she was this way, and she said she had several theories. He asked her to give the short version of her strongest theory; she said she had ADD. Dr. Phil said he wasn't sure she had ADD, but he was pretty sure she had anxiety. He asked her whether she felt compelled to fill up any empty spaces in the conversation and she said she did. Phil said he thought she didn't perceive how the talking seemed from the outside, so his crew had filmed her talking and he sent her backstage to watch some of the footage, and then come back later after some other guests had appeared.
Jeni is a classic 7 (and she also seemed like maybe an ENFP -- she is clearly an EP, anyway.) I think a big hurdle with learning enneagram typing is trying to get the Gestalt of a type from words on a page; it took me a long time to realize (through induction) how talkative 7s usually are. And I believe that the 7s' talkativeness is understressed in the enneagram literature. To test this, I looked at the 7 description in Margaret Frings Keyes' Emotions and the Enneagram; it includes the sentence "They enjoy talk and entertaining gossip," but that's the only mention. The 1990 version of Understanding the Enneagram by Don Riso says of the average 7: "Begin to be hyperactive, throwing themselves into constant activity, doing and saying whatever comes to mind." and "Uninhibited, 'flighty,' flamboyant, outrageous, outspoken, loud and brash -- constantly talking, wisecracking, joking and 'performing' to stay in high spirits." (Italics mine.) Although it's there, I think it's underplayed in terms of how much it's talked about versus how much it's part of the 7s personality (from my observation.) I suppose I say this because it's a characteristic that is very apparent from the outside of a person. That being said, 7s usually have this trait to some degree, but many aren't nearly as bad as Jeni. Also, I would imagine that compulsive talking would increase as one goes down the levels of health. A couple of movies which showcase the talkative nature of the 7 personality are My Dinner With Andre and Big Fish.
I don't think Jeni is all that unusual in having been passed over for promotions because of this characteristic: overtalking gets really old for other people. In my experience, Jeni's most unusual characteristic is that she is seeking help for it. Cindi and I just had a discussion about this, and she pointed out that with many vices and character flaws you often hear the individual at least nod at wanting to change. Not so with overtalking, to the point that in some cases very direct statements such as "Let's talk about something else" or "I am tired of listening now" do not work, and neither do little employee "counseling" sessions on the job. I believe that Dr. Phil is onto something when he says Jeni is not in touch with how her behavior appears from the outside. As a 6w7 (and ENFP) myself, I can relate to how it feels differently from the inside -- it seems to you like everybody's having fun. Especially in my younger days, I felt very invested in being "interesting," and felt that having a lot to say was a marker for how interesting a person was.
I hope Jeni can get some help from the Dr. Phil show; she seems like a nice, and certainly a friendly, person. Overtalking is, at least on the surface, a well-meaning vice. I haven't watched the end of the show, and I haven't yet found out what happens when Jeni watches the tapes. I'd like to see some good advice given because I truly do think this problem is holding some good people back. I believe the enneagram answer would be learning to calm down rather than to develop self-control per se; I think Dr. Phil might be headed in that direction as well with his statement about Jeni's anxiety and I look forard to seeing what he has to say (and will report tomorrow.)
The title of this post, The Island of Constant Talkers, refers to the reality show Cindi and I are pitching in which we put all these people on an island together. (Go ahead and steal this idea.) Cindi also shared an interesting anecdote from the life of Rod Serling (she read his biography.) Apparently, he was one of these non-stop talkers. His family (when he was a kid) got together and decided not to talk to Rod during the whole car ride. I guess they were trying out various strategies, and thought maybe talking back only encouraged him. The strategy failed, however, and he talked non-stop all the way up and all the way back, and very likely didn't notice that they weren't talking.
The first guest was Jeni, whose problem is that she talks constantly. Her mom said Jeni's been doing it since she learned to talk, and that if Jeni had been her first child, she'd only have had one. (!) Jeni says she's lost a job and several promotions over her talkativeness, that she rarely goes on any second dates, and that she is often late for appointments because she stops to talk with strangers in the street. Dr. Phil timed how long it took her to answer questions during the interview and compared it to the average length of time taken; I don't remember the specifics but there was quite a difference.
Dr. Phil had set up a buzzer for the interview and would hit the buzzer ("aaanh") when he felt Jeni had gone on long enough/answered the question/made her point. (He was a little quick on the buzzer in my opinion, actually.) Have you ever wished you could do that to someone? He asked her whether she had any idea why she was this way, and she said she had several theories. He asked her to give the short version of her strongest theory; she said she had ADD. Dr. Phil said he wasn't sure she had ADD, but he was pretty sure she had anxiety. He asked her whether she felt compelled to fill up any empty spaces in the conversation and she said she did. Phil said he thought she didn't perceive how the talking seemed from the outside, so his crew had filmed her talking and he sent her backstage to watch some of the footage, and then come back later after some other guests had appeared.
Jeni is a classic 7 (and she also seemed like maybe an ENFP -- she is clearly an EP, anyway.) I think a big hurdle with learning enneagram typing is trying to get the Gestalt of a type from words on a page; it took me a long time to realize (through induction) how talkative 7s usually are. And I believe that the 7s' talkativeness is understressed in the enneagram literature. To test this, I looked at the 7 description in Margaret Frings Keyes' Emotions and the Enneagram; it includes the sentence "They enjoy talk and entertaining gossip," but that's the only mention. The 1990 version of Understanding the Enneagram by Don Riso says of the average 7: "Begin to be hyperactive, throwing themselves into constant activity, doing and saying whatever comes to mind." and "Uninhibited, 'flighty,' flamboyant, outrageous, outspoken, loud and brash -- constantly talking, wisecracking, joking and 'performing' to stay in high spirits." (Italics mine.) Although it's there, I think it's underplayed in terms of how much it's talked about versus how much it's part of the 7s personality (from my observation.) I suppose I say this because it's a characteristic that is very apparent from the outside of a person. That being said, 7s usually have this trait to some degree, but many aren't nearly as bad as Jeni. Also, I would imagine that compulsive talking would increase as one goes down the levels of health. A couple of movies which showcase the talkative nature of the 7 personality are My Dinner With Andre and Big Fish.
I don't think Jeni is all that unusual in having been passed over for promotions because of this characteristic: overtalking gets really old for other people. In my experience, Jeni's most unusual characteristic is that she is seeking help for it. Cindi and I just had a discussion about this, and she pointed out that with many vices and character flaws you often hear the individual at least nod at wanting to change. Not so with overtalking, to the point that in some cases very direct statements such as "Let's talk about something else" or "I am tired of listening now" do not work, and neither do little employee "counseling" sessions on the job. I believe that Dr. Phil is onto something when he says Jeni is not in touch with how her behavior appears from the outside. As a 6w7 (and ENFP) myself, I can relate to how it feels differently from the inside -- it seems to you like everybody's having fun. Especially in my younger days, I felt very invested in being "interesting," and felt that having a lot to say was a marker for how interesting a person was.
I hope Jeni can get some help from the Dr. Phil show; she seems like a nice, and certainly a friendly, person. Overtalking is, at least on the surface, a well-meaning vice. I haven't watched the end of the show, and I haven't yet found out what happens when Jeni watches the tapes. I'd like to see some good advice given because I truly do think this problem is holding some good people back. I believe the enneagram answer would be learning to calm down rather than to develop self-control per se; I think Dr. Phil might be headed in that direction as well with his statement about Jeni's anxiety and I look forard to seeing what he has to say (and will report tomorrow.)
The title of this post, The Island of Constant Talkers, refers to the reality show Cindi and I are pitching in which we put all these people on an island together. (Go ahead and steal this idea.) Cindi also shared an interesting anecdote from the life of Rod Serling (she read his biography.) Apparently, he was one of these non-stop talkers. His family (when he was a kid) got together and decided not to talk to Rod during the whole car ride. I guess they were trying out various strategies, and thought maybe talking back only encouraged him. The strategy failed, however, and he talked non-stop all the way up and all the way back, and very likely didn't notice that they weren't talking.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Resolutions for Type 6, and My Resolutions, But Not in That Order
Here are my resolutions for the upcoming year:
1. Clean countertops twice a week. Take dishes out of dishwasher when they are done, and then put clean dishes in, or wash dishes by hand. Keep inside of sink clean. Watch tv from couch, and put away air mattress (in the interest of decreasing clutter.) Take out trash once a week or more often. Take unread magazines to work. Continue getting rid of unnecessary objects. Organize kitchen cabinets. Check oil twice a month. Write these goals (e.g. clean the countertops on Wednesday) in Franklin Planner. Get new pages for Franklin Planner.
2. Don't eat candy. Make one large, healthy food dish each weekend (that I am in town.) Keep weight at current level or lower. If weight gets to a certain line on the scale, ratchet it back.
As you can see from the specific nature of the above two resolutions, I don't believe in just saying "lose weight" or "clean the house more," but in focusing on how specifically I can accomplish it. I have also purchased some great smelling Method products to help me enjoy the cleaning.
3. See Kathy more often. Put in Franklin Planner.
4. Be more responsible about giving gifts. Put in Franklin Planner.
5. Ask the doctor about my sleepiness. Get a mammogram this year. Put making these appointments in Franklin Planner. Start drinking a little less coffee. Drink decaf every other cup, or switch to tea. More exercise might help with the sleepiness.
6. Take the time to blow-dry hair with round brush.
Here are some other things I intend to do, that for one reason or another are not exactly resolutions:
1. Paint finger- and toenails. Watch seasons 2-4 of The Wire. Take books back to the library so I can start getting books out again. Consider getting a cell phone. These aren't resolutions; more of a to-do list.
2. Continue my studies and blogging. Teach Enneagram class. Continue current dating practices (i.e., Willing to go out; Willing to tell someone to take a hike, Not being attached to a particular outcome; Being happy to be alone.) Continuing current good practices is important, but clearly doesn't fall under the rubric of resolutions.
3. There are a couple work-related changes that are being made. These aren't resolutions because they've already been planned for some time.
4. Undoubtably I will flirt with various physical exercise regimens throughout the year. This is not a resolution because I do not have a particular plan in mind.
OK, now let's turn to Riso and Hudson, and see what they have to say for 6's. Will it be cleaning the countertops?
1. Learn to be more present to your anxiety, to explore it, and to come to terms with it. Work creatively with your tensions without turning to excessive amounts of alcohol or other drugs to allay them. In fact, if you are present and breathing fully, anxiety can be energizing, a kind of tonic that can help make you more productive and aware of what you are doing.
2. You tend to get edgy or testy when you are upset or angry, and you can even turn on others and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your pessimism: it results in dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project on reality.
3. Sixes tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Learn to identify what makes you overreact. Also realize that almost none of the things you have feared so much has actually come true.
4. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts weaken you and your ability to change things for the better. You can't always manage external events, but you can manage your own thoughts.
5. Work on becoming more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person.
6. Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.
7. You are highly responsible in many areas, but you can be afraid of accepting responsibility for mistakes. You may fear others will jump down your throat, but most people respect those who take responsibility for their actions, especially if they have made a mistake.
8. You want to feel secure, but this will never be possible unless you are secure with yourself. You need to focus on becoming more self-affirming -- developing a realistic belief in yourself and your own abilities. A good way to do this is by getting more grounded in your body and allowing your fretting mind to become more quiet. When this happens, you will naturally feel more confident and supported by life.
9. Examine your attitudes toward authority. Do you reflexively rebel and resist authority? Do you seek it out, hiding behind an "I was only following orders" attitude? For most Sixes, issues with authority are highly charged. The greater your awareness is of your unconscious attitudes in this department, the more you will be able to recognize the authority of your own inner wisdom.
10. Be fair with others and tell them what is on your mind, lest you appear indecisive or defensive. Any of the alternatives cause conflicts and tensions in your relationships.
11. Most of your issues have to do with finding reliable sources of guidance and support outside of yourself. It is good to remember that many of these sources can be useful up to a point, but none of them can provide the kind of unwavering stability and unerring wisdom you want. Only your true nature can give you a deep sense of solidity and capacity in the world, because only the spontaneous intelligence of your own soul can respond to each unique situation freshly. So be grateful for the many sources of support in your life, but lean on them less. You have within you everything you need to move through life with dignity and grace.
Wow, I'm really not feeling most of 'em. I trust others; I take responsibility for my mistakes. Becoming aware of projection and knowing what situations make me overreact are good ideas. I think that meditation (and other forms of spirituality) is the subtext for some of these (having read Riso/Hudson and met Hudson) and I am trying it, but I classify it under "continuing Enneagram studies" rather than an actual resolution.
But let's look at my actual resolutions. Two of them are, I think, related to 6 issues. I wonder sometimes why at my age I have not developed better cleaning habits. I have started to think it is related to the "you can't make me" theme of type 6, and it's pretty obviously related to type 6 dependency issues (i.e. I shouldn't have to do this for myself.) Also, the gift-giving: I have anxiety about gift-giving... I worry what if the person doesn't like it, and then it's a waste of money? (I have a 6-ish terror of wasting money sometimes.) Also, sometimes I worry that my gift won't be good enough for the other person. I also have a similar anxiety about receiving gifts... possibly even more anxiety, because if you don't like a gift you might have to pretend you do, and I hate to have to pretend. I have memories dating back to age 5 in which I got gifts I didn't like and felt sick about it. This Christmas I was feeling anxiety during the gift exchange, mainly about receiving them, because all my gifts this year were surprises. (I ended up liking them all -- luckily! They were great, actually.) So right there during the gift exchange, I did something Riso and Hudson suggest -- observe your reactions rather than "get on the train." And what I observed was something I've read in various places (including, I think, The Wisdom of the Enneagram) that one will observe, that right below the fear was sadness.
Another important aspect of resolutions is accountability; I will keep you updated on how I do. And yet another aspect is starting back when you inevitably fail (if, for example, you eat candy!)
1. Clean countertops twice a week. Take dishes out of dishwasher when they are done, and then put clean dishes in, or wash dishes by hand. Keep inside of sink clean. Watch tv from couch, and put away air mattress (in the interest of decreasing clutter.) Take out trash once a week or more often. Take unread magazines to work. Continue getting rid of unnecessary objects. Organize kitchen cabinets. Check oil twice a month. Write these goals (e.g. clean the countertops on Wednesday) in Franklin Planner. Get new pages for Franklin Planner.
2. Don't eat candy. Make one large, healthy food dish each weekend (that I am in town.) Keep weight at current level or lower. If weight gets to a certain line on the scale, ratchet it back.
As you can see from the specific nature of the above two resolutions, I don't believe in just saying "lose weight" or "clean the house more," but in focusing on how specifically I can accomplish it. I have also purchased some great smelling Method products to help me enjoy the cleaning.
3. See Kathy more often. Put in Franklin Planner.
4. Be more responsible about giving gifts. Put in Franklin Planner.
5. Ask the doctor about my sleepiness. Get a mammogram this year. Put making these appointments in Franklin Planner. Start drinking a little less coffee. Drink decaf every other cup, or switch to tea. More exercise might help with the sleepiness.
6. Take the time to blow-dry hair with round brush.
Here are some other things I intend to do, that for one reason or another are not exactly resolutions:
1. Paint finger- and toenails. Watch seasons 2-4 of The Wire. Take books back to the library so I can start getting books out again. Consider getting a cell phone. These aren't resolutions; more of a to-do list.
2. Continue my studies and blogging. Teach Enneagram class. Continue current dating practices (i.e., Willing to go out; Willing to tell someone to take a hike, Not being attached to a particular outcome; Being happy to be alone.) Continuing current good practices is important, but clearly doesn't fall under the rubric of resolutions.
3. There are a couple work-related changes that are being made. These aren't resolutions because they've already been planned for some time.
4. Undoubtably I will flirt with various physical exercise regimens throughout the year. This is not a resolution because I do not have a particular plan in mind.
OK, now let's turn to Riso and Hudson, and see what they have to say for 6's. Will it be cleaning the countertops?
1. Learn to be more present to your anxiety, to explore it, and to come to terms with it. Work creatively with your tensions without turning to excessive amounts of alcohol or other drugs to allay them. In fact, if you are present and breathing fully, anxiety can be energizing, a kind of tonic that can help make you more productive and aware of what you are doing.
2. You tend to get edgy or testy when you are upset or angry, and you can even turn on others and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your pessimism: it results in dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project on reality.
3. Sixes tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Learn to identify what makes you overreact. Also realize that almost none of the things you have feared so much has actually come true.
4. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts weaken you and your ability to change things for the better. You can't always manage external events, but you can manage your own thoughts.
5. Work on becoming more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person.
6. Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.
7. You are highly responsible in many areas, but you can be afraid of accepting responsibility for mistakes. You may fear others will jump down your throat, but most people respect those who take responsibility for their actions, especially if they have made a mistake.
8. You want to feel secure, but this will never be possible unless you are secure with yourself. You need to focus on becoming more self-affirming -- developing a realistic belief in yourself and your own abilities. A good way to do this is by getting more grounded in your body and allowing your fretting mind to become more quiet. When this happens, you will naturally feel more confident and supported by life.
9. Examine your attitudes toward authority. Do you reflexively rebel and resist authority? Do you seek it out, hiding behind an "I was only following orders" attitude? For most Sixes, issues with authority are highly charged. The greater your awareness is of your unconscious attitudes in this department, the more you will be able to recognize the authority of your own inner wisdom.
10. Be fair with others and tell them what is on your mind, lest you appear indecisive or defensive. Any of the alternatives cause conflicts and tensions in your relationships.
11. Most of your issues have to do with finding reliable sources of guidance and support outside of yourself. It is good to remember that many of these sources can be useful up to a point, but none of them can provide the kind of unwavering stability and unerring wisdom you want. Only your true nature can give you a deep sense of solidity and capacity in the world, because only the spontaneous intelligence of your own soul can respond to each unique situation freshly. So be grateful for the many sources of support in your life, but lean on them less. You have within you everything you need to move through life with dignity and grace.
Wow, I'm really not feeling most of 'em. I trust others; I take responsibility for my mistakes. Becoming aware of projection and knowing what situations make me overreact are good ideas. I think that meditation (and other forms of spirituality) is the subtext for some of these (having read Riso/Hudson and met Hudson) and I am trying it, but I classify it under "continuing Enneagram studies" rather than an actual resolution.
But let's look at my actual resolutions. Two of them are, I think, related to 6 issues. I wonder sometimes why at my age I have not developed better cleaning habits. I have started to think it is related to the "you can't make me" theme of type 6, and it's pretty obviously related to type 6 dependency issues (i.e. I shouldn't have to do this for myself.) Also, the gift-giving: I have anxiety about gift-giving... I worry what if the person doesn't like it, and then it's a waste of money? (I have a 6-ish terror of wasting money sometimes.) Also, sometimes I worry that my gift won't be good enough for the other person. I also have a similar anxiety about receiving gifts... possibly even more anxiety, because if you don't like a gift you might have to pretend you do, and I hate to have to pretend. I have memories dating back to age 5 in which I got gifts I didn't like and felt sick about it. This Christmas I was feeling anxiety during the gift exchange, mainly about receiving them, because all my gifts this year were surprises. (I ended up liking them all -- luckily! They were great, actually.) So right there during the gift exchange, I did something Riso and Hudson suggest -- observe your reactions rather than "get on the train." And what I observed was something I've read in various places (including, I think, The Wisdom of the Enneagram) that one will observe, that right below the fear was sadness.
Another important aspect of resolutions is accountability; I will keep you updated on how I do. And yet another aspect is starting back when you inevitably fail (if, for example, you eat candy!)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Dance Dance Resolutions for 7s, 8s, and 9s
At church this morning, we heard this excerpt from Frederick Buechner's Telling Secrets:
"Memory makes it possible for us both to bless the past, even those parts of it that we have always felt cursed by, and also to be blessed by it."
Then, after a sermon about, among other things, the eternal now, we were invited to write, on little slips of paper, things we intended to carry with us into the new year. Finally, we burned the paper, the ashes fell down, the smoke rose up, and our intentions were transformed.
What will become of your resolutions, types 7, 8, and 9? What mighty changes will result from these humble little (Riso and Hudson-inspired) suggestions?
Type 7:
1. Spend more time observing your impulses, and less time giving in to them.
2. Improve your listening skills.
3. Play "quiet mouse" to win.
4. Spend one day per week without the tv or stereo on.
5. Find ways to delay gratification.
6. Tell yourself that quality is more important than quantity.
7. While weighing your options, consider the consequences.
8. For your consideration in 2008:
"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. " ~James Openheim
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." ~Margaret Young
"There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." ~Logan Pearsall Smith
"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
"If you are not happy here and now, you never will be. " ~Taisen Deshimaru
"The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things." ~Epictetus
9. Put your words to the "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" test, not the "Is it funny?" test.
10. Try crying, instead of laughing, when you're sad.
11. When you think you're running toward something, ask yourself what you're running away from.
12. Count your blessings.
Type 8:
1. From the Tao te Ching: "leading and not trying to control: this is the supreme virtue."
2. If it doesn't really matter to you, let someone else get their way.
3. Question your "me against the world" attitude.
4. Hug your allies. And your "enemies."
5. If you find yourself reflecting on your own self-reliance, reflect on interdependence instead. When you eat an apple, consider the one who planted the tree, and so on.
6. Ask yourself what price you have paid for power and try to strike a better bargain.
7. Instead of acting solely out of self-interest, act on behalf of your relationship, your family, or your cause. Get one of those if you don't have one already.
8. Something to consider, straight from Understanding the Enneagram: "If you do not believe in God, is your nonbelief based on genuine intellectual convictions or merely on the fact that you do not want to give up your ego and the things you enjoy? A great deal may depend on your answer to this question."
9. To mix quotes willy-nilly, Beat your swords into ploughshares, or else you will die by them.
10. Use your resources to create opportunities for others.
11. Scratch someone else's back.
12. Think of a way to create a legacy of goodness that will live on after you.
Type 9:
1. Remember that love is something you do, and take action.
2. Start a new independent activity this year.
3. Cut back on daydreaming and zoning out.
4. Recognize that negative emotions find a way to express themselves, even if you try to repress them. Give voice to your anger and anxiety. Let them out and let them go.
5. Examine the ways your actions (or your passivity) have affected your relationships. Own your part of your conflicts.
6. Exercise more frequently. This video game might help.
7. If you have unexplained headaches, backaches, or nausea, consider the idea that repressed emotions might be the cause. Learn to express your feelings.
8. Swear off drugs and alcohol.
9. Make a list of things you would like to do before you die, and do some of them this year.
10. Stand up for yourself whenever you are being mistreated.
11. Make it a goal to learn something new about every person you love this year.
Bless the past; lean into the future. Mary Beth will be blogging on resolutions for 6s shortly.
"Memory makes it possible for us both to bless the past, even those parts of it that we have always felt cursed by, and also to be blessed by it."
Then, after a sermon about, among other things, the eternal now, we were invited to write, on little slips of paper, things we intended to carry with us into the new year. Finally, we burned the paper, the ashes fell down, the smoke rose up, and our intentions were transformed.
What will become of your resolutions, types 7, 8, and 9? What mighty changes will result from these humble little (Riso and Hudson-inspired) suggestions?
Type 7:
1. Spend more time observing your impulses, and less time giving in to them.
2. Improve your listening skills.
3. Play "quiet mouse" to win.
4. Spend one day per week without the tv or stereo on.
5. Find ways to delay gratification.
6. Tell yourself that quality is more important than quantity.
7. While weighing your options, consider the consequences.
8. For your consideration in 2008:
"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. " ~James Openheim
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." ~Margaret Young
"There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." ~Logan Pearsall Smith
"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
"If you are not happy here and now, you never will be. " ~Taisen Deshimaru
"The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things." ~Epictetus
9. Put your words to the "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" test, not the "Is it funny?" test.
10. Try crying, instead of laughing, when you're sad.
11. When you think you're running toward something, ask yourself what you're running away from.
12. Count your blessings.
Type 8:
1. From the Tao te Ching: "leading and not trying to control: this is the supreme virtue."
2. If it doesn't really matter to you, let someone else get their way.
3. Question your "me against the world" attitude.
4. Hug your allies. And your "enemies."
5. If you find yourself reflecting on your own self-reliance, reflect on interdependence instead. When you eat an apple, consider the one who planted the tree, and so on.
6. Ask yourself what price you have paid for power and try to strike a better bargain.
7. Instead of acting solely out of self-interest, act on behalf of your relationship, your family, or your cause. Get one of those if you don't have one already.
8. Something to consider, straight from Understanding the Enneagram: "If you do not believe in God, is your nonbelief based on genuine intellectual convictions or merely on the fact that you do not want to give up your ego and the things you enjoy? A great deal may depend on your answer to this question."
9. To mix quotes willy-nilly, Beat your swords into ploughshares, or else you will die by them.
10. Use your resources to create opportunities for others.
11. Scratch someone else's back.
12. Think of a way to create a legacy of goodness that will live on after you.
Type 9:
1. Remember that love is something you do, and take action.
2. Start a new independent activity this year.
3. Cut back on daydreaming and zoning out.
4. Recognize that negative emotions find a way to express themselves, even if you try to repress them. Give voice to your anger and anxiety. Let them out and let them go.
5. Examine the ways your actions (or your passivity) have affected your relationships. Own your part of your conflicts.
6. Exercise more frequently. This video game might help.
7. If you have unexplained headaches, backaches, or nausea, consider the idea that repressed emotions might be the cause. Learn to express your feelings.
8. Swear off drugs and alcohol.
9. Make a list of things you would like to do before you die, and do some of them this year.
10. Stand up for yourself whenever you are being mistreated.
11. Make it a goal to learn something new about every person you love this year.
Bless the past; lean into the future. Mary Beth will be blogging on resolutions for 6s shortly.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
"Recommendations for Personality Type Five" vs. My Actual Intentions for 2008
This is another post in a series on New Year's resolutions, based on the "Recommendations" chapter of Understanding the Enneagram. Previous posts on this topic can be found here and here. This time, I'm gonna do things a little differently. First, I'm just gonna tell you more or less exactly what Riso and Hudson said, and then I'll comment in red on whether or not said advice has in any way factored into my resolution-making. Ya dig? Good; let's go.
1. "Learn to notice when your thinking and speculating take you out of the immediacy of your experience... Stay connected with your physicality."I'll get back to this one later.
2. "Make an effort to learn to calm down in a healthy way, without drugs or alcohol." I'm actually pretty good on this one. I will admit that, back in September, after I had spent the whole day nearly drowning (see picture above) and watching Mary Beth and other friends nearly drown, I did drink half a beer to calm down, but no, I haven't reached rock bottom yet, so 2008 will not be the year of total sobriety. "Exercising or using biofeedback techniques will help channel some of your tremendous nervous energy." Other than the aforementioned near-drowning, I have few memories of 2007 that do not involve me sitting on my butt, so exercise is a great suggestion. Getting back into the gym is tops on my resolution list. Also, I did not know what "biofeedback techniques" were, but apparently, they are this. "Meditation, jogging, yoga, and dancing are especially helpful for your type." Another hit! Meditating more regularly is on my list!
3. "When you are caught in your fixation, a sense of perspective can be missing, and with it the ability to make accurate assessments. At such a time, it can be helpful to get the advice of someone you trust while you are gaining perspective on your situation." Whaddaya say, Mary Beth, are you up for talking me off of more ledges in the coming year? If so, I'm down for asking for some advice.
4. "Notice when you are getting intensely involved in projects that do not necessarily support your self-esteem, confidence, or life situation. It is possible to follow many different fascinating subjects, games, and pastimes, but they can become huge distractions from what you know you really need to do." So true. Most of my resolutions this year are about setting aside time for the kinds of things -- timely bill-paying, occasional house-cleaning, grocery shopping -- that I often neglect because they're just so darn boring compared to, say, blogging about the Enneagram. Of course, I could delegate some of those tasks... say, is there anyone out there who would like to help me get my stuff together and, um, connect me with my physicality (see item 1 on this list)? If so, call me, but understand that, as a 5 in good standing, I am obligated to not pick up the phone.
5. "It is important to remember that having conflicts with others is not unusual and that the healthy thing is to work them out rather than reject attachments with people by withdrawing into isolation." Fine. I will pick up the phone. Sometimes. Maybe.
6. "Try to be more cooperative with people and less of a loner."
7. "Some Fives tend to make others feel ill at ease. Because they are so intensely involved in what interests them and find their own ideas so fascinating, they tend to forget the social niceties that help others be comfortable with them. If this applies to you, remember that your very brilliance may be intimidating to many."
8. "Even if other people are not as intelligent, this does not automatically mean that they are stupid or their ideas are worthless. Try to be more accepting of their intellectual limitations without being cynical or harsh in your judgements."
9. "If others begin to avoid you or react to you antagonistically, consider the possibility that you -- rather than they -- have begun the antagonisms. Examine yourself to discover what you may have contributed to your interpersonal conflicts."
10. "Think of ways to develop your compassion for others, to understand what they are going through from their point of view.... Do not use only your head; use more of your heart." I actually think I've been doing a pretty good job with items 6 - 10 lately, so I intend to sort of plateau out and rest on my laurels in the coming year; I hope this will not bite me in the ass.
Friday, December 28, 2007
As Promised, Resolutions for 3s and 4s
Tips for a better 2008:
Type 3:
1. Cut down on the "little white lies".
2. Let your accomplishments speak for themselves.
3. Spend more time with the people you love.
4. If you are an employee and the law requires that your employer offer you a break, take it. They have that law for a reason.
5. Work on a project that has nothing to do with your personal ambitions.
6. Be sure you are working with people, not against them.
7. "In their desire to be accepted by others, some average Threes adapt so much to the expectations of others that they lose touch with what they are really feeling about the situation. Develop yourself by resisting the tendency to adjust to others' expectations. It is imperative that you invest time in discovering your own core values." (Riso and Hudson, Understanding the Enneagram, 335) Might I suggest that you read Finding Your Own North Star (previously blogged about here and here), and follow the suggestions therein? It will help.
8. Take note of the things other people are good at -- and praise them for it.
9.Use your energy for the good of the group as a whole. Be a real "team player".
10. Lower your expectations for success and acclaim.
11. Identify an area of your life where you are honestly in over your head and tell someone about it; they may be able to bail you out before it's too late.
12. Stop comparing yourself to others so much. Your life is your life, not a game with winners and losers.
Type 4:
1. Question your desire to base a permanent identity on an ever-changing set of feelings.
2. Go to work every day, even if you're not in the mood.
3. Plunge in before you're totally ready.
4. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day.
5. Exercise regularly.
6. If you find yourself imagining what you'd like to say to someone, call them up and say it for real. If it's something you shouldn't say, try putting it out of your mind.
7. Find someone -- either a friend or a therapist -- to whom you can talk openly.
8. Get involved with a community service organization.
9. Let your parents off the hook; at a certain point in adulthood, complaining about them excessively just becomes unseemly.
10. When you feel misunderstood, make one more earnest attempt to communicate.
11. If someone seems critical of you, double-check to see if their remark is intended as a critique. If it is, you be the judge of whether the criticism is true.
12. Speak more kindly to yourself.
5s and 6s are up next.
Type 3:
1. Cut down on the "little white lies".
2. Let your accomplishments speak for themselves.
3. Spend more time with the people you love.
4. If you are an employee and the law requires that your employer offer you a break, take it. They have that law for a reason.
5. Work on a project that has nothing to do with your personal ambitions.
6. Be sure you are working with people, not against them.
7. "In their desire to be accepted by others, some average Threes adapt so much to the expectations of others that they lose touch with what they are really feeling about the situation. Develop yourself by resisting the tendency to adjust to others' expectations. It is imperative that you invest time in discovering your own core values." (Riso and Hudson, Understanding the Enneagram, 335) Might I suggest that you read Finding Your Own North Star (previously blogged about here and here), and follow the suggestions therein? It will help.
8. Take note of the things other people are good at -- and praise them for it.
9.Use your energy for the good of the group as a whole. Be a real "team player".
10. Lower your expectations for success and acclaim.
11. Identify an area of your life where you are honestly in over your head and tell someone about it; they may be able to bail you out before it's too late.
12. Stop comparing yourself to others so much. Your life is your life, not a game with winners and losers.
Type 4:
1. Question your desire to base a permanent identity on an ever-changing set of feelings.
2. Go to work every day, even if you're not in the mood.
3. Plunge in before you're totally ready.
4. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day.
5. Exercise regularly.
6. If you find yourself imagining what you'd like to say to someone, call them up and say it for real. If it's something you shouldn't say, try putting it out of your mind.
7. Find someone -- either a friend or a therapist -- to whom you can talk openly.
8. Get involved with a community service organization.
9. Let your parents off the hook; at a certain point in adulthood, complaining about them excessively just becomes unseemly.
10. When you feel misunderstood, make one more earnest attempt to communicate.
11. If someone seems critical of you, double-check to see if their remark is intended as a critique. If it is, you be the judge of whether the criticism is true.
12. Speak more kindly to yourself.
5s and 6s are up next.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
New Year's Resolutions for 1s and 2s
Christmas is (almost) behind us, and our next major holiday stop is New Year's Eve. While drinking champagne and desperately searching for someone to kiss at midnight are certainly fine traditions, my favorite is the annual taking stock that is the New Year's resolution. In that spirit, I am going to offer some type-specific suggestions for how you might make things go better in the coming year. 2008 is a blank slate! These are adapted from the "Recommendations" chapter of Riso and Hudson's Understanding the Enneagram.
Type 1:
1. Practice a relaxation technique, any relaxation technique. Try meditation or get a massage.
2. Be more patient with others.
3. Lead by example, not by lecture.
4. Speak more kindly to yourself and others.
5. Keep a journal in which you are totally honest about your feelings and impulses.
6. Join a group that will allow you to talk about your feelings without passing judgement.
7. Pay attention to how you are coming across to others; if you seem angry, they will probably get defensive and resist your advice.
8. Take measures to prevent or treat high blood pressure, ulcers, and other health problems.
9. Reflect on this quote: "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." (Lady Dorothy Nevill)
10. Listen more.
11. Be more aware of the ways in which perfect is often the enemy of good.
12. Every day, pick a rule that doesn't really matter -- and break it.
13. When you feel annoyed by something petty, ask yourself about the underlying issue -- and address that instead.
Type 2:
1. Put yourself first sometimes.
2. Make sure you get enough sleep every night.
3. Eat three good meals a day.
4. Examine your own motives for helping.
5. If you are in a codependent relationship, get support and change that dynamic.
6. Communicate more directly.
7. Be willing to take "no" for an answer.
8. Let your own good deeds go unrewarded sometimes.
9. Give others positive reinforcement, but only if they're actually doing something good.
10. Teach a man to fish.
11. Honor your close relationships by not spreading your time and energy too thin.
12. Appreciate the affection you are given, even if it does not come in the form you would most like.
13. Let go of being possessive.
14. No more fixer-upper boyfriends or girlfriends!
Stay tuned. Resolutions for the other types are coming soon.
Type 1:
1. Practice a relaxation technique, any relaxation technique. Try meditation or get a massage.
2. Be more patient with others.
3. Lead by example, not by lecture.
4. Speak more kindly to yourself and others.
5. Keep a journal in which you are totally honest about your feelings and impulses.
6. Join a group that will allow you to talk about your feelings without passing judgement.
7. Pay attention to how you are coming across to others; if you seem angry, they will probably get defensive and resist your advice.
8. Take measures to prevent or treat high blood pressure, ulcers, and other health problems.
9. Reflect on this quote: "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." (Lady Dorothy Nevill)
10. Listen more.
11. Be more aware of the ways in which perfect is often the enemy of good.
12. Every day, pick a rule that doesn't really matter -- and break it.
13. When you feel annoyed by something petty, ask yourself about the underlying issue -- and address that instead.
Type 2:
1. Put yourself first sometimes.
2. Make sure you get enough sleep every night.
3. Eat three good meals a day.
4. Examine your own motives for helping.
5. If you are in a codependent relationship, get support and change that dynamic.
6. Communicate more directly.
7. Be willing to take "no" for an answer.
8. Let your own good deeds go unrewarded sometimes.
9. Give others positive reinforcement, but only if they're actually doing something good.
10. Teach a man to fish.
11. Honor your close relationships by not spreading your time and energy too thin.
12. Appreciate the affection you are given, even if it does not come in the form you would most like.
13. Let go of being possessive.
14. No more fixer-upper boyfriends or girlfriends!
Stay tuned. Resolutions for the other types are coming soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
